AUTHOR'S NOTES: All Final Fantasy VII characters, vehicles and themes © Squaresoft, and no infringement is intended.
Repressed Memories
Chapter 11: Never the Same Again
Written by Cloud

     I was innocent. I had been robbed of my youth, robbed of anything left inside of my soul that was allowed to be innocent. I was sixteen going on thirty, and anger seared my fragmented soul with a rage that almost made me whole; the blazing fires of Hell roared my fury at a world that had destroyed me. I had been cheated of my whole life, I had murdered no one, hadn't killed a single creature in my whole life, let alone a human being.
     Zack had, and he was SOLDIER First Class. This was fair? The one person who got everything was ahead of me once again, and no matter his good intentions I hated him for it. I hated the only friend I had ever had because he had acquired the lot in life that I so desperately deserved.      He sat across from me, picking at the Uribo platter he had ordered from the shady restaurant in the Sector Seven slums that we now inhabited. He thought it would be a good idea if I ate some real food before we started home. Home?! How could Nibelhiem be my home when everything I remembered told me, pleaded with me not to go back to that frozen Hell and those people with frozen hearts barely beating in their icy breast?
     Ah, fuck it all, what else could I do? Maybe things had changed, maybe the townspeople regretted driving me out. Optimism? Nice try, that isn't going to work. The truth is pain, hatred.      "Zack, did I ever tell you anything good about Nibelhiem?" I blurted out of nowhere. I choked, my throat still burned from the food I had inhaled as soon as the lethargic waiter had brought it to our table.
     "Your mother loved you very much, Cloud." My friend stated, shoveling a bite of food into his mouth. He chewed vigorously for the first time tonight, apparently surprised I had spoken. Spastically swallowing, he cleared his throat.
     "Yeah, only a mother could love me…" I muttered. My friend favored me with a sad smile.
     "That isn't true, Cloud." Zack stated matter-of-factly. "Do you remember Astfirie?"
     "Let's not revisit it," I stammered, "She's dead now and no amount of wishing or self-destruction will bring her back." Zack's eyes glowed a little darker, despite the fact that they looked like orbs of Magic materia. I was bringing my friend down, I knew. I wanted to change the subject, but somehow I just couldn't. "Speaking of women, what ever happened to Aeris?"
     "So you remember Aeris…" Zack murmured, avoiding the question, "Do you remember Tifa?"
     "Tifa is a whore now ANSWER THE QUESTION, ZACK!" I shouted in a voice that didn't seem to belong to me, wasn't my own. People at the surrounding tables turned to look in our direction, their meals interrupted by the inner demons that were thrashing about my amnesiac head. My eyes met those of the SOLDIER's, Mako Blue on Mako Green in a clash of friends who were almost brothers. I stood up in anger, dashing the chair to the floor, and stormed out of the restaurant like an angry child. At this stage maturity could go to Hell, along with the rest of the world.
     I just stood there for a few moments, wishing my rage would just fade away into the nothingness of regret- but it refused with stubbornness surpassed only by the world that opposed me so hatefully. I breathed in the chill night air, making the hair on my arms stand on end with an icy chill that seemed to freeze the city of Midgar in time, if only for those few moments.      The door creaked open from behind me, the armored shoulders of a SOLDIER uniform giving away Zack's presence to the pitiful person I had become. He stood behind me in silence for a moment, before placing a hand on my shoulder.
     "Cloud…" he uttered, but I knew he had no words to offer me. Instead I turned to face him, staring into his verdant eyes as his hand fell from my shoulder to his side. My hands were clenched in fists so tight I doubted they were getting any blood, but I didn't care.
     "Give me your sword, Zack." I commanded. A look of shock crossed his normally impassive face.
     "I am not authorized to…"
     "GIVE ME YOUR SWORD!" I screamed in a voice that shook the heavens with the fury of a victim who desperately needed revenge for anything, everything, and nothing.
     I lunged forward, slamming my fists into Zack's face with white knuckled fury. As he fell I grasped the handle of his massive buster sword, unsheathing the enormous weapon in a flash of Mythiril that erupted the fires of my rage with blazing passion and murderous desire. I seemed to become one with the cold metal of the blade as my friend rose to his knees.
     The closest thing anywhere near me was a towering light post. I brought the glimmering weapon up half-handled and slashed through its diameter in an explosive clang of metal. It fell with a destructive force, smashing a Shinra Munitions Outpost that had been set up nearby to smithereens. I wasn't done yet, however; I twirled the buster sword as if possesed- sheathing it at the gun-strap that was a part of my trooper uniform.
     "Bolt!" I screamed as the cascading thunderbolts of electric fire stabbed into the already destroyed building. The forks of voltage seemed to lightly kiss the structure before it burst into flames. The fire burned in pulse with my heart, raging a blazing inferno within the reaches of my spiteful soul.
     I summoned bolt after bolt in a lightning storm that razed the streets and left thunder roaring in its wake. The people took cover in their homes, deserting the filthy streets that were no longer safe walk about- all except for one girl. She had been selling flowers to make some extra gil about the streets when I had appeared. Her emerald eyes and lovely face were framed by chestnut hair that ran clear down to her knees in a type of braid I'd never seen before. Our eyes locked as she strode over to where my fury had begun, setting her basket of Mako Eyes on the ground. I turned my face away in shame, my fingers grasping the hilt of the buster sword. I unsheathed the massive weapon and held it out for the girl to see, but still she advanced.      "Please don't hurt anyone…" she begged of me, but there was no fear in her verdant eyes. I dropped the brand to the street with a loud clang of metal against concrete.
     I expected her to leave now, but she came ever closer to me, the scent of Mako Eyes and lavender intoxicating all that I was. She wrapped slender arms around me in a tight embrace, her eyes pouring into mine.
     "You've been hurt…" she mouthed in the most sympathetic voice I had ever heard, then she pulled me tighter, her chin resting against my shoulder. We stood there for so long, the rage leaving me, evaporating into the frigid air. Neither one of us said a word; words would have dishonored the moment. It's pathetic, but I needed that so much…
     Zack reclaimed his sword as the Shinra troops came rushing at us. There must have been forty of them, all ready to blow my head off with their rifles. I hadn't brought mine through abject stupidity, and I had just attacked Zack and taken his weapon- he wouldn't protect me.      But he did. My friend stepped forward, brandishing his enormous sword menacingly at the troopers. They halted their advance, but the troop leader still strode forward.
     "We're taking him into custody!" he announced for the city in its entirety to hear. His words echoed throughout the empty streets and chilly atmosphere. I bowed my weary head in shame, which only made the flower girl hold me tighter. I felt as though I would die if she let go.      "You're not taking him anywhere." Zack said coldly, entering an en guarde position. His sword flashed with unholy energy as if to foreshadow what was to come. A million blue-hot forks of lightning smashed into the ground before the startled from of the guard, penetrating deep into the street in a magnificent flash of luminance that commanded the skies. The scent of rising dirt permeated my nostrils- Bolt 3. Sephiroth always could make a good entrance.
     He strode out of the darkness like some Hellish apparition of the night, his Masamune drawn and glinting with the kindles of his rage. Those green eyes glowed with unholy defiance, filling my heart with fear. I remembered those eyes from somewhere…
     "Sephiroth…" the troop leader stammered, apparently amazed he hadn't pissed himself. "T-…the Great…Sephiroth…" Sephiroth smiled coldly, speaking in a voice that seemed to lower the already freezing temperature.
     "You know it's funny…" he mused, waving his ridiculously long sword around threateningly. "I don't think this young man destroyed your little building. I think I did."
     He let his words sink into the troops- and let his presence terrify them- before asking, "Are you going to arrest me?"
     "N-no Sir…" the troop leader stammered. Sephiroth's eyes seemed to glint in victory.
     "Then you are dismissed." He commanded- his authority over them growing with each passing second. The guard saluted and led his men away, slowly at first, but after a few seconds they ran like Hell in utter fear. Sephiroth laughed evilly, the sound echoing maniacally through the streets of Midgar.
     "Aeris, you can let go now." Zack said uneasily. He regarded the girl with attempted warmth,
"Thank you." The flower girl shot him a glance of contempt,
     "I didn't do it for you, Zack Garek." She stated, pulling back just enough to stare into my eyes. For a moment I thought she would kiss me full on the mouth, and her wonderful scent encompassed my reality. I could tell she didn't want to let go- but she did. She squeezed my hands in hers before picking up her flower basket and walking back the way she came. Just as I though she was gone, she turned back, if only for a second. She didn't say a word- didn't have to. The eyes are a window to the soul, and I was peering into the most beautiful soul I had ever seen.

     "That night we left for Nibelhiem, the dark sky breaking open into the furious wonder of rain. It was unbelievably cold; the rain poured down in sheets, clearing the smog that filled both the air and my mind as well. We piled into the truck, Sephiroth, Zack, Sephiroth's escort who was called David, and the ragged form of myself still struggling with the demons that possesed my soul, filling me with unending rage. The truck took the back roads to Junon's dock the long way, as secrecy was of the essence in a covert operation such as this one.
     "The motion sickness started up once again, but until today I didn't know why…"
     Tears were streaming down Cloud's face, the face of a warrior whose true past had been revealed to him only hours ago. Sephiroth's defeat within his mind brought forth the memories he had forgotten, or more accurately repressed. The blonde swordsman simply hadn't wanted to remember. Tifa Lockhart squeezed his hand tenderly, her feelings for him eating her alive.      "Cloud, let's stop this," she murmured, wrapping her arms around the man she loved. The ex-SOLDIER felt a gloved hand on his shoulder as an old friend offered his condolences.
     "I forgive ya, Cloud." Cid said quietly, but his voice was filled with emotion that seemed to be caught in his throat. Red XIII rested his head upon Cloud's knee; his wet nose twitching as a single uncharacteristic tear flowed from his UN-mangled eye.
     Thus it was so. AVALANCHE piled upon their leader, sharing his pain with him; and for the first time ever, the Ex-SOLDIER let go of himself. For the first time ever he wanted to move on with his life, before it ended in misery. And so Cloud the martyr stepped off the iron cross that was his past, and pulled ever closer to the trembling form of his Tifa. Before long they had all left the two of them alone- the couple realizing that even silence has a sound as they professed their love without so much as a word. But silence was broken by the words that shook Cloud's very soul with more joy and fear than he could have possibly imagined.
     "Cloud, I'm so sorry," Tifa whispered, pulling him in even closer. For a moment it seemed as if they were one spirit, "I should have told you so much sooner, I've always loved you."